here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you.

the inner ten year old in me kicks into high gear when i daydream and find myself doodling his name on my math homework. i furiously erase it from the paper, only to find that while i can remove something from my sight, nothing can be erased from my head. his voice rings in my head, echoing around like a choir in an empty sanctuary, forever bouncing off the walls. when i close my eyes, all i see are his staring back at me. even in the pure darkness of my mind’s eye, i still see the chocolate brown eyes in crystal clear detail. i long for the moments when our faces are inches apart, when our lips are just that close to touching, when i see his soul and he sees mine. i’m desperate for the times when our hands brush and then, as if magnetically pulled, clash together and it’s hard for me to let go. i remember slow dancing in a dark lit room to a song i can’t stand to listen to anymore; it reminds me too much of you. it’s funny how when i’m around you, you’re the only face i see, the only scent i smell, yours is the only hand i want to hold. it’s ironic how the one boy i’ve ever legitimately liked, liked me back. i remember the phone call at eleven thirty, i was just crawling into bed when my phone started to vibrate. seeing your name on the caller id gave me a feeling of comfort; now all it would bring is sorrow. i remember the tension in your voice that made my stomach twist and contort until i felt nauteous. i only remember little cutouts of your sentences…“only friends…you’re really cool…not right now.” i only vaguely remember the bull---- that spewed out of your mouth that night, but i do remember how much i didn’t buy it, how i knew it was wrong, all wrong.

my back still gets hot and prickly whenever i see you. my palms begin to sweat and i find myself staring at my feet. when i dare to look at your eyes, sometimes you’re looking back, other times you’re staring at your feet too. does that mean anything? does it mean you get nervous too? all i’m doing is messing with my mind. i only wish you got nervous around me too, i only wish you wanted me just as much as i want you. and it’s funny, i’ve been wishing more than usual lately. i wish on everything; on pennies that are heads up, eyelashes on my cheeks, when i drive through a tunnel, on 11:11 and 3:33. however, it seems that my efforts have gotten me nowhere. 

this isn't done yet.